It’s true that there is something in our culture that simply makes our men manlier than other men. No other country in the world exudes the hyper-masculinity that you find in the back woods of good ol’ America. Our men hunt to kill, fight for fun, drink to get drunk, lift to be strong, and get dirty go be dirty. To help you fulfill the manly American manliness we have come up with six easy steps on how to become that manly American man that every man wishes he could be…man.
1. Read Hemingway
Any Hemingway book can better be described as a handbook of manlitude. I mean look at the guy, he is the quintessential heavy drinking, world traveling, big game hunting, women slaying American. Open one of his books or short stories and you will find characters plagued with manly problems and are most likely either travelling Europe, fighting in a war, fishing somewhere, and almost always slaying some bitches.
2. Learn to Drink
Although this might seem like an outdated measure of manliness, we all still judge men on how much someone can drink. It is no longer about how much you can drink, but rather knowing a shit ton about the drinks that you drink a shit ton of. For example, if you’re a beer man learn how to judge the hoppiness, color, and spices used and you will be able to impress anyone with your manly knowledge.
3. Learn how to grill
Grilling is easily the manliest form of cooking. Nothing spews out more manliness than firing up a nice slab of meet whilst pounding down a crafty. It doesn’t matter what it is you’re grilling, be it cheeseburgers, steak, or some turkey burgers for the ladies, you’re gonna catch the eye of the cutie sippin’ on a strawberry margarita across the patio.
4. Get Swoll
Now by this I do not mean go to the gym and stare at your triceps in the mirror. I mean go get swoll doing manly shit. If you live by a beach surf or go free diving or something, if you live by the woods go chop some wood and climb shit, if you live in the country go do all that shit that makes all of those country kids huge. Gym swoll will never look as good as “I go out and do shit” swoll.
5. Be Adventurous
One of the manliest things to do is to do everything. Go hiking, climbing, deep sea fishing, hunting, all of that. You’re not very outdoorsy? Suck it up, you’re a man, so do what men do and go get dirty in the woods doing manly shit.
6. Get Smart
Nowadays brains are turning manly. For some unbeknown reason women seem to love smart men, and if your Hemingway reading, knowledgably drinking, meat grilling, swoll, adventurous bastard, I’m sure that a little brains would make you utterly irresistible. So suck it up and do well in school, read some books, and maybe take up poetry, that shit goes a long way.